FallenFromGrace1102

It has been over a month and the more time that passes the more messed up i seem to be getting. I have not been able to talk to anyone about this because when i open my mouth nothing will come out. i have these awful vivid flashes from being a caregiver for my dying grandmother. I am not sad by her death as she lived a full life but by trying to take care of my own mother helping her with this responsibility i was caring for her and my grandmother. This task proved to be so hard for myself as no one ever listens to me. my job was to help my mother stay on task; keep my grandmother comfortable as she transitioned form this life to the next. This was incredibly hard as my mother and grandmother fought me every step of the way. at the beginning she seemed to be mostly her normal self by the end she was an empty shell of the women she once was. I watched her rapidly deteriorated over the 2 weeks she was home on hospice. it was a fight to get my mom to medicate her for her pain as my mom

December has always been a really big month for me in the sense of trauma and loss but this December has really been one for the books. The thing is really i don't want to end up feeling like i'm being a burden to anyone but i can't sit in the silence of it anymore either. i've been a burden, well felt like a burden, many times before in my life and i also don't want that to happen again either. so i'm stuck in this rut. this year i have lost a family member who treated me so poorly i am unphased by their passing but still it brings up so many trauma memories i can't push past. then having another diagnosed with an illness that will most likely claim their life. then suddenly and unexpectedly i was blindsided by the suicide of a dear friend of mine who helped so much with my own journey of trauma and healing. it saddens me so much to hear that in a moment of great desperation she chose to end her suffering and succeeded. i think the part that really kills me is that her family is not

((This is not an "I told you so", but just a fond farewell to a friend)) my cousin who lived with me for several years died and it doesn’t feel real. she was hit by a train it was her choice to be hit by a train. I wonder how many times she thought about a train crushing her body to death as the trains passed by my old house (i moved recently) everyday, I wonder if she always knew that’s the way it would end for herself. no one listened to me for years when i expressed i was concerned for her. no one listened so i did everything i knew how to do. i spent time with her, i took her places, we played games together, went to the be